In which self doubt fills me…

I remember the time I was left alone with my own thoughts before we had to make the decision to move to West Plains. My wife was working and I just went through in my mind what a huge mistake I was making. “That’s it!” I thought to myself, “We’re not moving!”

Well, my wife got home, and I declared my decision. She told me she couldn’t leave me alone anymore because I get filled with self-doubt. If I would have succeeded in convincing her we were not moving, we would have missed out on so many blessings. It would have been a mistake. As you read my blog, maybe you do, you know I am occasionally hard on myself. It’s part of who I am(?)

So I posted one of my “Strange Confessions” to a work blog, and someone called me on something he misinterpreted. I know I’m not a great writer, but when someone misunderstands what I am trying to communicate I just get rid of it all. He first started out telling me that my post was inappropriate for the group I was in. Fine. He created it. I deleted the post, and stopped following it. Is this what I’m a-gonna do when ever I face some sort of criticism? Maybe. I gotta grow thicker skin.

Is everything I’m writing that irrelevant? Misconstrued? Confusing? … Stupid?

I volunteered to speak at church next week during Sunday School. They have asked everyone who attends Sunday School to speak on something God has been teaching them. I have tried to write the things I want to talk about, but I just hit a wall. I know I want the Spirit to lead me, and I want to share it through God’s word, but I have to at least have an outline or I’ll ramble on and then I’d just get irrelevant, misconstrued, confusing,… stupid.

I want to encourage, share who I am, and have the opportunity to teach what I’m learning. I just feel,… that I’m just pretending. That was the other option for me to call my blog: “The Great Pretender”. It’s a fear I’ve always had: that everyone will know that I’m fake, that the weakness that I give to you when I write, you are all just laughing at me behind my back; none of it matters really. Why keep on writing?

Posted on September 22, 2013, in Honest and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Keep writing. It’s therapeutic. Who cares if it’s relevant, misconstrued, confusing, or stupid. It’s a blog-eat-blog world — everyone has an opinion about everything. I suspect most of us feel that burden of pretending to some degree — the “if people really knew who I am” syndrome. Maybe it’s hard for Christians because we have a pretty good idea of what we’ve been saved TO (and from) and it’s so amazing, and we know we’re so fragile and sinful.

  2. Well, I can’t comment on why you should keep writing, that’s up to you to decide. But I can encourage you to never surrender your principals because of what others think you meant. Good seed falls on good and bad ground alike. I’m sure your words made sense to someone!

  3. No. I can’t stop. Like Victoria said, “It’s therapeutic,” and I discover a whole lot more about myself (wait, maybe that is the definition of therapeutic). I was just on a downspell. Maybe I shouldn’t write when I feel that way, or at least not publish them. *sigh* I’m such a troubled young man. By the way, “young” is the key word in that phrase.

  4. At some point along the line, I realized that it makes no difference what anyone thinks about me — none whatsoever — unless I can get some benefit from it or they may — then it matters.

    As it turns out, sometimes it works out that we “share” viewpoints to a win-win place and we both benefit — or sometimes a constructive criticism or even just a snarl works to help the situations/relationship/work (etc.).

    Usually though it seems that people like to hold on to their opinions and that’s what is more important to them. So, the reverse is also true. It doesn’t matter what I think about someone if it can’t help them or me.

    If getting out your thoughts is important then do it where its safe. I don’t share much about myself at work because we aren’t there to help each other sort out our personal lives. On here, I’m safe. If someone misunderstands — its okay. They didn’t maybe even need to read what I wrote.

    If you need a therapeutic outlet, make use of where its safe and get out what you feel.

    Its way better than rationalizing in your head — “She told me she couldn’t leave me alone anymore because I get filled with self-doubt.”

    I have the same problem sometimes. I like reading other blogs and making/getting comments — its what is therapeutic for me.

    • Thank you for your wonderful comments. What I wrote is a part of what I feel, so it stays. I use to say things like this on That One Site and it really bugged me that no one said anything. Then I’d end up just deleting it. I deleted a good amount of stuff off of there, that was creative, that was me, that I regret doing. It took a good friend and a lot of thinking to really realize that it doesn’t matter. I’m an emotional man, and I accept that. But what is important to me is that, that emotional man is that way, because he, I am relational, and I always will be. This is another thing I’ve really saw myself as all my life: that I want to learn about people, what they think, feel, understand, believe. And that just expands my world. When I run into people who like their little bubbles, and those type of people are increasing, it frustrates me. Why wouldn’t we want to experience friendship, loyalty, love, trust on such a deep level with each other? I can’t understand people who don’t, but I try anyway.
      That writing is just another way for you to know me. I’m glad your read and responded. I know you so much more now than I might someone I see everyday, or, regretfully, every Sunday.

Tell me about it. Tell me everything you feel. Give me any reason to accept that you're for real.

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